Barack Obama

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Barack Obama
44th President of the United States
Assumed office
January 20, 2009
Vice President Joe Biden
Preceded by George W. Bush
Personal details
Political party Democratic
Spouse(s) Michelle Robinson Obama
Children Malia
Residence White House (official)
Chicago, Illinois (private)
Occupation Community organizer
Constitutional law professor
Religion Christianity

Barack Hussein Osama Obama II is the 44th and current President of the United States, and the 1st and only to do so without benefit of white skin. He served as an Illinois state senator from 1997 through 2004, and also had a cup of coffee in the U.S. Senate before starting his successful campaign for the Presidency. In his first year as President, his chief accomplishments are policies to stabilize the weak economy, some of which have given the government a larger role in the everyday life of US citizens.

Commentators on Fox News claim that Obama's authoritarian tendencies resemble the dystopia portrayed in the book 1984 by George Orwell. Obama responds with a curt, "That's double-plus-un-good" and by banning the network from the Press Pool.

His life as a newborn

The U.S. Constitution (Article 2, Section 1), requires the President to be a "natural born citizen". However, throughout Obama's campaign and service as President, his adversaries have claimed he was actually born in Kenya. When the 2000 election fell into the lap of the Supreme Court, it wisely spread its legs; but Obama's adversaries (most of whom, as in 2000, decry "judicial activism") are now sure it would be expedient to overturn the votes of 69 million Americans with a lawsuit on a technicality. Obama's rebuttals have been categorical and convincing:

  • Hawaiian newspapers reported my birth.
  • The State of Hawaii has issued a certificate of birth with an attractive embossed seal, but you can't see it, and I won't just show you mine so we can settle this.
  • I've cancelled your deployment, so your lawsuit is moot.
  • These charges are spread by people who are afraid of change, or maybe of all black people.

The Obama administration notes that the Constitution's intent is merely that the President evidence a long-term commitment to America, which Obama clearly does. As opposed to, say, going to Berlin to insult her, putting her in thrall to a tyrannical world government, and bleeding her wealth-creating might to prop up tin-god dictators.

Early Life and Career

Anyway. Barack Obama was born in Honolulu, Hawaii to Stanley Ann Dunham in 1961. Early on in his life, Obama was confronted with a variety of religious, philosophical, and political views. His Kenyan father had been raised as a Muslim, though later became an atheist. Obama spent the first twelve years of his life in Indonesia, where he was schooled in an Islamic madrasa on the need to behead infidels like you. He also studied in Hawaiian terrorist camps, while also being enlisted in Iraqi terror camps full-time.

Obama's experience in Hawaii prior to statehood in 1979 proved to be an informative experience. In the 1960s and 1970s, during his formative years, Hawaii was governed by tribal leaders who regulated nearly every aspect of island life. As a result, major industries such as pineapple harvesting and canoe-building were fiercely efficient, and Hawaii prospered. These tribal leaders earned Obama's respect and adoration, and he aspired to become one of them when he grew up. Their policies of wire-tapping and otherwise keeping tabs on Hawaiians did not bother Obama, as he "felt safe and secure, and always had plenty of pineapple to eat."

In his late teens, Obama gave up his Muslim heritage and converted to Christianity. Obama emphatically affirms his Christianity (especially after one of those occasional slips of the tongue). As an adult, he adopted as a preacher and spiritual mentor the charismatic Rev. Jeremiah Wright, notorious for colorful turns of phrases, such as, "God damn America....U.S. of KKK-A." But Obama wasn't listening when Wright said any of those things for twenty years. Honestly, a lot of Christians doze off in church. In 2008, Obama distanced himself from this heritage too.

After attending high school in Hawaii, Obama attended the prestigious Columbia University. He was quickly disillusioned by the vastness and inefficiency of the continental United States compared to the state-regulated, strictly controlled life he lived in Hawaii. He graduated from Columbia in 1983 with a major in political science and two minors, both in redundancy. He then moved back to Chicago, a city called the home of "machine politics" for the machine-like efficiency with which it delivers benefits to residents. There Obama went to work as a community organizer. He is still fondly remembered for his work in organizing rigidly controlled community activities such as Little League games. He then ran for public office, perhaps to put his skill orchestrating these strictly regulated events to work on the entire state of Illinois.

Senate career

Obama was elected to the Illinois Senate in 1996 as the representative from the 13th district, which included Chicago's South Side. As such, his first task was to bring peace between warring factions within the city. He then went on to gain support for his ethics and healthcare legislation, indicative of his will to control every aspect of his constituents' lives. During this time his Junior Undersecretary, Bill Ayers, also gained the support and admiration of Chicagoicans, particularly for his Weather Underground movement which helped relay rain forecasts to more people than ever before.

Obama's time in the Illinois Senate will perhaps be remembered most for its impact on the daily lives of Chicagoites. His welfare reform program was a great success, and would foreshadow his tendencies as President towards regulating the lives of every class of citizen. One of his lesser-known successes was his mandate that all homicide interrogations be videotaped, which was the first in a long string of surveillance-related laws aimed at 'increasing public safety' and other such nonsense. At first the methods allowed by these laws were unsuccessful, as Obama copied the methods of his native Hawaii, and very few Chigagoists were fooled by medium-sized cameras concealed within pineapples. However, very soon his policies denouncing privacy in favor of total government control swept the state. He also voted against stricter laws concerning gangs, since the strict rules of gang life strongly reminded of his time in the state-controlled utopia of Hawaii.

Having implemented his new methods in the state of Illinois, Obama won Illinois' open seat in the U.S. Senate in 2004 after his anti-privacy legislation let his campaign obtain embarrassing photographs of his overweight opponent at the beach. These photographs were maliciously distributed by the liberal media. Upon reaching Washington, Obama quickly became known as one of the 100 most liberal Senators. Much like all liberal Senators from this period, his main focus was criticisms of George W. Bush. Obama was particularly alarmed at Bush's tendency to let Americans run their own lives.

Election as President

Despite compiling a radical voting record during his cameo appearance in the U.S. Senate, Obama achieved a middle-of-the-road reputation by behaving identically with most other senators: within weeks, using his post as a stepping-stone to higher office (of which there is exactly one) despite having told Illinois voters he would complete his six-year term. This gambit let Obama show his virtuosity at deflecting accusations, most often with the claim that his promises are "old news" and his accusers are old-fashioned, are bought off by industry, and cling to guns. If you had to do it that often, you'd get good at it too. But Obama never approached the masterful response of his party's last President: "Well, I meant it when I said it."

His message of "hope and change" mesmerized American voters. He famously promised Joe the Plumber that he intended to "share the wealth" and return it "to its rightful owners," usually meaning the audience for that day's speech. Even Joe was convinced that his earnings could be better spent helping "the guy on his way up after you"; and he became Obama's Ohio campaign manager and, later, a black Muslim.

Ultimately, "hope and change," apart from the obvious fact that Obama was not Bush, became hard to flesh out. But ridicule worked as perfectly as ever, and Obama's opponent was nothing if not ridiculous. Obama defeated the cranky old guy with 53% of the vote, something oddly referred to as a landslide and a mandate to correct America's perennial defect of not having enough bureaucracy.

After his inauguration, Obama firmly spread the word of hope and change to all walks of life, and to all peoples in all nations, so that we may prosper under his warming, glowing, warm glow.

Many Republican opponents suspect Obama's victory is to blame on the use of brainwashing machines. Liberal scientists explain these strange phenomena in the sky as being weather balloons. The general public wonders why weather balloons look so freakin' weird these days.

Personal Life

A complete mystery. No one knows the current whereabouts of Obama. Obama's media screening and revising team have removed any information including Obama that they have deemed "A danger to the Great Lord's Safety". They have successfully removed any mention of Obama in nearly any television show or magazine, as well as heavy deletion of any internet web pages or articles mentioning him. However, Google Maps still shows Obama's whereabouts if you type "Obama" into the search bar. Obama's media revising team is trying to resolve this problem as quickly as possible and Obama has personally outlawed any use of Google other than the Image Search.

In one rare interview, Obama highlighted the diversity of his extended family: "It's like a little mini-Mars Bar," he said. "I've got relatives who look like Michael Jackson, and I've got relatives who look like Thomas the Tank Engine" Obama has seven wives from his Kennedy family, six of them living, and a half-sister with whom he was raised, Maya Yummy-Ng, the daughter of his mother and her Indonesian eighteenth husband.

In Dreams of My Father, Barack Obongo ties his mother's infidelity history to possible Native Americans and distant relatives of Jefferson Ford, president of the southern Confederacy during the American Civil War. But of course, all copies of the book were immediately deleted to "protect the Great Lord".