Billy Mays

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YOU CAN ALWAYS TRUST THE MAN WITH THE SQUEAKY-CLEAN BEARD!

HI, BILLY MAYS HERE WITH MY ARTICLE! I WAS BORN IN 1958 ON JULY 20TH TO BILLY MAYS SENIOR AND JOYCE PALM! I WAS BORN IN McKEES ROCKS AND GREW UP IN PITTSBURGH, AND WAS LINEBACKER FOR THE WEST VIRGINIA UNIVERSITY FOOTBALL TEAM! I QUICKLY LEARNED THE IMPORTANCE OF HOUSEHOLD CLEANING PRODUCTS WHILE WORKING FOR MY FATHER'S HAZARDOUS WASTE COMPANY! BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! I WENT ON TO BECOME THE GREATEST SPOKESMAN THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN!

HOW'D I DO IT?

GOOD QUESTION! MY TRADE SECRET IS MY ABRASIVE VOICE! I HAVE AN AMPLITUDE HIGH ENOUGH TO BREAK CEMENT! WHEN YOU WATCH ME ON YOUR TELEVISION, YOU KNOW YOU CAN TRUST MY LOUD VOICE! YOU FEEL COMPELLED TO BUY MY PRODUCTS BECAUSE I USE THEM MYSELF!

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL!

I'M SUCH A SUCCESSFUL PITCHMAN, I PARODY MYSELF! I EVEN HAVE MY OWN COMPANY DEVOTED TO CONTRACTING MYSELF FOR PRODUCT PITCHES! CAN VINCE SELL HIMSELF? I DON'T THINK SO!

ARE YOU ON THE BALL?

I HAVE 33 PRODUCTS THAT OWE THEIR MARKETING SUCCESS TO ME! I CAN HELP YOU GARDEN, COOK MINI-HAMBURGERS, BUFF OUT THAT DENT, GIVE YOU BROADBAND INTERNET, MAKE YOU BREAKFAST, CATCH FLIES, EXTEND YOUR REACH, GRATE YOUR FOOD RIGHT ON THE PLATE, OPEN UP A CAN OF LAWN FERTILIZER, TIGHTEN YOUR GRIP, SWITCH THINGS ON AN OFF REMOTELY, HANG THINGS ON YOUR WALL, GET YOU AFFORDABLE HEALTH INSURANCE, HIDE SECRET DOCUMENTS IN YOUR TIE, CLEAN YOUR SHOWER, MEND YOUR FABRICS, PUTTY YOUR STEEL, WOOD AND OTHER OBJECTS, TAPE THINGS WATER-TIGHT, WIELD A DUAL SAW, CLEAN YOUR WOOD, CLEAN YOUR EVERYTHING, CHOP YOUR FOOD, SHARPEN YOUR KNIVES, HEAL YOUR SCRATCHES, HOLD TOOLS TO YOUR ARM MAGNETICALLY, VACUUM YOUR DETRITUS, CHOP IT, SLICE IT, HOSE THINGS WITHOUT A FAUCET, REMOVE THAT ODOR, AND ABSORB WATER! THAT'S 33:2, VINCE!

GET ON THE BALL!

I'VE APPEARED ON TALK SHOWS, COMEDY SKETCHES, AND EVEN GARRY'S MOD, WHERE MY FANBASE BORDERS ON ZEALOTRY! I APPEAR IN 57 LANGUAGES WORLDWIDE, AND ZERO LAWSUITS! CAN VINCE TOP THAT?

I'M NOT DONE YET!

SOME PEOPLE THINK I DIED OF A HEART ATTACK, BUT IF YOU CALL NOW, I'LL THROW IN A CAMEO APPEARANCE IN YOUR COMIC ABSOLUTELY FREE! YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO PAY SHIPPING AND HANDLING!

HERE'S HOW TO ORDER!