Cruise missile

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Cruise Missile
Cruise Missile.jpg
Type Cruise missile
Place of origin Church of Scientology
Service history
Used by Church of Scientology, Dostya, Stylesrj, Haruhi Suzumiya
Wars Operation Poker Face?, DYOS 10.5, Battle of Chiron
Production history
Unit cost As much as a copy of Dianetics
Variants Travolta Missile
Weight Heavy
Length Long
Width Thin
Height Tall
Diameter Very round

Wingspan Short
Propellant The love for Katie Holmes
Flight ceiling Higher than Oprah's couch
Flight altitude How high can he jump?
Boost time His movie career
Maximum depth This is Tom Cruise we're talking about here...
Accuracy Pinpoint

Cruise Missiles are weapons used by the Church of Scientology to convert/destroy things. They have Tom Cruise's face painted on them, which yells "I LOVE KATIE HOLMES!" These were a running gag introduced by the Styles brothers, whereby a bunch were fired at Stylesrj, Brackman, and Dostya.[1][2] A few missiles with fellow scientologist John Travolta's face (Travolta Missiles) were fired as well.[3] While funny at first, their overuse made them get really old really fast.

The Cruise Missile was later seen during the Battle of Chiron as a means of softening up Enclave positions on the planet for Stylesrj's infiltration.[4]


When a person is unaware of the attack, a typical first response to the missile's approach is "Why does the air sound like it loves Katie Holmes?" seconds before impact with the target.

External links (i.e. the real thing)