John Baird

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The Honourable
John Baird
"I reject your decorum and substitute my own!"
Baird in a good mood
Minister of Foreign Antagonism
In office
May 18, 2011 – February 3, 2015
Prime Minister Stephen Harper
Preceded by Lawrence Cannon
Succeeded by Rob Nicholson
Leader of the Government in Bullying the House
In office
August 6, 2010 – May 18, 2011
Prime Minister Stephen Harper
Preceded by Jay Hill
Succeeded by Peter Van Loan
Minister of the So-Called Environment
In office
November 7, 2010 – January 4, 2011
Prime Minister Stephen Harper
Preceded by Jim apPrentice
Succeeded by Peter Kent
In office
January 4, 2007 – October 30, 2008
Prime Minister Stephen Harper
Preceded by Rona "Lovely Hair" Ambrose
Succeeded by Jim apPrentice
Minister of Transport, Infrastructure and Communities
In office
October 30, 2008 – August 6, 2010
Prime Minister Stephen Harper
Preceded by Lawrence Cannon
Succeeded by Chuck Strahl
President of the Treasury Board
In office
February 6, 2006 – January 4, 2007
Prime Minister Stephen Harper
Preceded by Reg Alcock
Succeeded by Vic Toews
Member of the Canadian Parliament
for Ottawa West—Nepean
In office
January 23, 2006 – March 16, 2015
Preceded by Marlene Catterall
Succeeded by TBD
Member of Provincial Parliament
for Nepean—Carleton
In office
June 3, 1999 – November 30, 2005
Preceded by Constituency established
Succeeded by Lisa MacLeod
Member of Provincial Parliament
for Nepean
In office
June 8, 1995 – June 3, 1999
Preceded by Hans Daigeler
Succeeded by Constituency abolished
Personal details
Born John Russell Baird
May 26, 1969 (1969-05-26) (age 49)
Nepean, Canada
Political party Progressive Conservative (1995–2003)
Conservative (2003–present)
Progressive Conservative (Provincial)
Alma mater Queen's University

The "Honourable" John "Motormouth" Baird, PC, MP was a Canadian politician that routinely served under Stephen Harper's cabinet as de facto head of the SA. Prior to retirement in 2015, Baird was Minister of Foreign Affairs (because everyone knows the portfolio for not pissing off other nations is best handled by a pit bull), in which he was instrumental in ending decades of Canadian political mediative tradition by kissing ass to Israel at every opportunity. Baird's previous posts include Minister of Transportation AKA Striking Ottawa Bus Drivers, Minister of Yelling at the Liberals while Waving his Hand and Having the Speech Featured on the Rick Mercer Report, and Minister of Environmental Policies Nobody but the Conservatives Approve Of, until the hot air expelled from his mouth became so voluminous that the Tories risked having to acknowledge global warming.

Baird prepares to pass a bill.

During the Invasion of Canada, Baird and most of the other PC thugs holed up in Centre Block. The Union army was unable to approach Parliament Hill thanks to Baird's combat operandi, "Hurricane-Force Wind" (best summed up as an inversion of "Belly of the Whale"). In an alternate strategy, Spetsnaz commando Rudolph Krieger was inserted via the Peace Tower, and disabled the loudmouth minister with the strategic application of duct tape.[1][2]


Not content to merely wreck Canadian diplomacy, Baird resigned from Cabinet in Feburary 2015 to join Grand Wizard Kevin Rudd and the Illuminati in wrecking foreign relations worldwide.[3]

See also