Kendal Ozzel

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Kendal Ozzel
OzzelSmirk.jpg
Allegiance  Republic of Coruscant
 Second Galactic Empire (ca. 2011)
Service/branch Naval Space Ops
Years of service ca. 2006? – present(?)
Rank Fleet Admiral
Battles/wars Pripyat Skirmish
Hackergeddon
Invasion of Wetickra
"You risked the lives of some damn fine pilots. Well, that's my job."

Admiral Kendal Ozzel was as clumsy as he was stupid. (Sorry, COMPNOR insisted that be the first sentence of this article.) Actually, Ozzel was a Human male who rose rapidly in the ranks of the Galactic Republic Navy, at each level becoming such an inconvenience to those around him that rapid promotion somewhere else was the most expedient means of getting rid of him.

Biography

Early career

"You know, I've personally flown over 194 missions, and I was shot down every one. Come to think of it, I've never landed a TIE fighter in my life."

Ozzel joined the Navy right out of high school, thinking it was an entry-level position in an accounting firm. He remained confused on this point even after two dozen sorties in a TIE fighter, in all of which he was shot down. He eventually figured out what was going on and kept a running tab of the cost of the starfighters destroyed in his squadron. Every month, as the costs mounted, he would give a presentation to his superiors. Eventually, they made him an officer.

Ozzel, accidentally wandering onto the TARDIS

One of Ozzel's boldest initiatives was to alphabetize everything under his command: personnel, uniforms, weapons, code cylinders. He even alphabetized the controls in the starfighters, which confused the pilots and led to massive casualties in his squadrons.

As the months passed, Ozzel became more erratic and confused. At one point he went missing entirely, wandering onto the TARDIS and helping the Doctor fight Sutekh the Destroyer. Imperial agents had to locate him and tell him he'd wandered into the wrong continuity, to which he responded that he was looking for Rebel spies and asked whether the corn on the cob was ready.

Command and the search for Rebels

"Sir, Captain Piett is trying to prove you're incompetent."
"Well,
I can prove that as well as he can."
— Captain Needa and Ozzel

Exasperated fleet commanders promoted Ozzel to admiral and gave him command of the Super Star Destroyer Executor, with the mission of hunting down the Rebel headquarters. With any luck, they hoped, Ozzel would accidentally stumble upon them, quickly be killed, and more competent commanders could finish the job. Captain Firmus Piett was assigned to accompany Ozzel everywhere and make sure his sillier orders were ignored.

Ozzel hatched an elaborate plan to disperse bananas through the galaxy to search every habitable planet for signs of the Rebels. Piett waited until he left the room and changed the plan to use Viper probe droids instead of bananas. When Ozzel got word of this insubordination, he gave Piett a good, hard glare.

Discovery of the Rebels

"We may have found a Rebel outpost, sir."
"Good. Call ahead and tell them we're having stroganoff and potatoes au gratin."
"Call the...
Rebels, sir?"
"Certainly! I'll not have this mission endangered by our lack of common courtesy."
[whump!] "Captain Piett, have this bulkhead removed immediately."
—Ozzel and Captain Piett

When a Viper probe droid sent back a signal from Hoth that indicated Rebel habitation, Piett immediately notified Ozzel, making sure that Darth Vader was in earshot. Piett showed him the images obtained of an immense power generator, which Ozzel immediately dismissed, saying, "That may be an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of an underdone potato." Piett insisted, in a somewhat louder voice, that the image was indeed a power generator and likely a Rebel installation, leading Vader to overhear and demand the fleet change course to the Hoth system. It took Ozzel a minute to figure out what had happened, but when he did, he gave Piett a good, hard glare.

Ozzel's spiffy new uniforms would have made a big splash at Imperial Command, but he was force-choked and missed the submission deadline

In an effort to make himself appear useful, Ozzel devised an elaborate new system of salutes, officer protocols, and a new uniform. His salute system included making elaborate circles with the arm, one circle for each pip on the insignia of the officer to which the salute was directed, followed by a deep bow for Sith Lords. His uniform, complemented by a sharp haircut, over-affected comb-over, and neatly trimmed thin mustache, was his masterpiece. He intended to reveal his new protocols at the next officers meeting and bring about a massive coup in Imperial public relations.

"Distribute these to all crewmen."
"Muscle stims and injector needles, sir?"
"Precisely. Our orders are to come out of hyperspace using steroids to cover our assault."
"I think perhaps they meant
asteroids, sir."
— Ozzel and Piett, before another good, long glare

In the midst of this, his fleet arrived at Hoth, and he insisted the ships come out of hyperspace fully within range of enemy detection equipment. "It's the last thing they'll be expecting," he reasoned. Though he was technically correct — the Rebels were not expecting it — it did not provide the surprise he was hoping for.

Darth Vader was informed of the situation. He immediately contacted the Executor by subspace radio and pulled out his carefully crafted voodoo doll of Admiral Ozzel. Vader then used his thumb and forefinger to choke Ozzel to death, all the while yelling in a high-pitched voice, "No! Help! I'm choking! Oh, no! Please, Vader, stop!"

Ozzel's final words were, "Tell my wife I love her." Piett attempted to inform him he was not married, but it was too late.

Just kidding. Ozzel recovered, although he had to wear the Cone of Shame for a week.

Vyacheslav Molotov 17:52, 20 October 2009 (PDT)

See also