Brian Mulroney

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The Wholly Disgraced

Martin Brian Mulroney

PC, CC, GOQ
Mulroney-cp-4042178.jpg
18th Prime Minister of Canada
(88th by popularity)
In office
September 17, 1984 – June 25, 1993
Monarch Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom
President Ronald Reagan
Preceded by John Turner-Overdrive
Succeeded by Kim Who?
Personal details
Political party Progressive Conservative
Spouse(s) Mila "Above the Law" Mulroney
Children Ben, Mark, Nicolas, Caroline
Residence Baie-Comeau, Quebec
Profession Lawyer & Businessman
Religion Roman Catholic

Brian Mulroney, a.k.a. "Lyin' Brian", "Chinocchio", "Byron Muldoon", "Ben", "The Right Honourable Big Chin", "That God Damned Sleaze Bag", and, "That SOB who created GST", best known for being the father of Ben Mulroney, was also the Prime Minister of Canada for 8 years. It seemed like 50, but it really was only 8.

The Phantom Menance

Mulroney claimed, and continues to claim, a human birth despite obvious alien physical features, and the absence of telltale signs of human personality such as warmth and compassion. Most experts now believe he is the biological "son" of Margaret Thatcher and Richard Nixon, created during a secret experiment in 1983.

Naturally, he entered into lawyering—most evil of the dark arts—and later became leader of the Progressive Conservative Party of Canada. Nobody thought of it much then, since everyone suspected that the PC's were the spawn of Satan himself. But even Satan had to admit "My bad" at the horror that was unleashed on an unsuspecting nation.

Reign of Terror

Mulroney raised taxes, cut services, increased the national deficit, plunged the country into economic chaos, signed away the country's independence, blew two constitutional accords, and lied. Then, on his second day in office, he appointed all his cronies to every government position there was, and made up a few new ones for good measure.

By day three, even the mild-mannered Canadians had had enough, and the windows of the Legislature Building were smashed in by an angry mob armed brandishing hockey sticks. Mulroney was quite taken aback. When an old woman said to him, "You're a liar, Charlie Brown," Mulroney, ever the clever bastard, responded by conscripting her into the Canadian Armed Forces.

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"Stop your complaining! At least I'm not Ronald Reagan!"

Luckily for him, his only elections were in 1984 and 1988, and his only opposition was John Turner (whose entire personality can be summarized by the fact that his middle name was Napier), and Ed Broadbent (Leader of the only party Canadians hate more than the Liberals and Conservatives). Still, like black plague and re-runs of Simon & Schuster, all evil disappears eventually. After a grassroots campaign began plans to send a voter delegation to Ottawa with rifles and plans to separate Brian's bigger-then-Leno chin from his exorbitantly overpriced Italian suit, Mulroney stepped down. He gave control of what was left of the country to Kim Campbell, appointing her to ensure he would only go down as the second-worst Prime Minister of all time. Mulroney's ultimately devious plot to discredit the female gender succeeded. He trashed the government, country and his political party, resigned and left the mess to Kim Campbell. As he described, "All in a day's work."

Later, in 1994, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police raided Mulroney's home and made the shocking discovery that he was very closely associated with Michael Jackson through his political career. Upon further investigation, they also discovered that Mulroney and MJ scored crack off of Ronald Reagan in 1987 and while taking it, molested small children. It was also discovered through Mulroney's personal ZIP disks that he soon thereafter sent the children to work for the North American Free Trade Agreement's secret slave sector.

After The Fall

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"I only destroyed Canada thisssssss much!"

After leaving office, Mulroney escaped the burning wreckage of his policies with the many millions he stole. He went underground, once more becoming an active lawyer and holding down the fort in Westmount. He has spent much of the passing years trying to recover from his completely trashed reputation. His reputation for being an asshole has lost some of its esteem as the leader of Canada eventually became Stephen Harper.

He raises his 4 children: War, Famine, Death and Pestilence. All four visit the many towns and cities around Canada (mainly the ones where the premiers who voted down the Meech Lake and Charlottetown Accords reside) and bring their namesakes upon the unsuspecting people.

He has been admitted into hospital many times for broken ribs and poisoning caused by disgruntled Canadians opposed to heavy personal purchase taxation.

Legacy

While many "academic" sources try to find good things he did (for balance purposes) Mulroney's only real accomplishment was the successful promotion of Canadian Unity. The nation was united in that everyone hated his guts and wanted to shoot him.

Most younger Canadians know Mr. Mulroney as either:

  • That Person Mom and Dad swear about whenever they have to pay the GST, or,
  • As Canadian Idol host Ben Mulroney's Dad. ed Note: His son Ben's chin is just as big as his father's, and a number of major Canadian churches hold regular vigils, praying he doesn't go into politics.

As Prime Minister, Mulroney left quite a legacy. His historic changes in government policy and the way Canada worked included:

  • Clean, sanitary bathrooms for the Progressive Conservatives and outhouses for the Liberals and NDP.
  • The recognition of Manitoba as an actual province.
  • Being the first and only prime minister to cut the ribbon to open the Toronto SkyDome (the one that leaks).
  • A precedent that every future prime minister must bend down and kiss the ass of the President of the United States.
  • Being that guy who implemented the Meech Lake Accord, some act to make Québec more powerful-yet-whiny than it already is, yet nobody knows what it's about.

Mulroney was widely agreed by historians to be the worst Prime Minister ever. Then Jean Chrétien became Prime Minister and he didn't seem so bad anymore. When Paul Martin became Prime Minister, he started to look very good indeed. When Stephen Harper became Prime Minister, there were riots in the streets demanding Mulroney's return, except for in Alberta and Kandahar, Saskatchewan, the only parts of the country with Harper supporters.

Where Are They Now?

  • In 2005, Mulroney accidentally revealed his secret plans to Peter C. Newman, author of the infamous and unauthorized biography Brian Mulroney is a Stupid, Arrogant Jackass and Other Truths. Mulroney responded to the revelation that he has a habit for Tarantino-level profanity by telling Newman "Go f--k yourself."

See also