Stephen Harper

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His Royal Highness
Stephen Harper
PC MP
Tiredharper.jpg
Harper trying to say "Bonjour la France" to Sarkozy
1st Dictator of Canada
In office
February 6, 2006 – November 4, 2015
MonarchElizabeth II
PresidentGeorge W. Bush
Barack Obama
Governor-GeneralMichaëlle Jean
David Johnston
Preceded byPaul Martin
Succeeded byJustin Trudeau
Chairman of the Global Neocon Conspiracy
Assumed office
February 21, 2018
DeputyTony Clement
Preceded byJohn Key
Leader of the Opposition
In office
May 21, 2002 – February 6, 2006
MonarchElizabeth II
Prime MinisterJean Cretin
Paul Martin
Preceded byJohn Reynolds
Succeeded byBill Graham
Leader of the Conservative Party
In office
March 20, 2004 – October 19, 2015
Preceded byJohn Lynch-Staunton
Succeeded byRona Ambrose (Interim)
Leader of the Canadian Alliance
In office
March 20, 2002 – December 7, 2003
Preceded byJohn Reynolds (Acting)
Succeeded byParty dissolved
Member of Parliament
for Calgary Heritage
Calgary Southwest (2002–2015)
In office
June 28, 2002 – August 26, 2016
Preceded byPreston Manning
Succeeded byBob Benzen
Member of Parliament
for Calgary West
In office
October 25, 1993 – January 14, 1997
Preceded byJim Hawkes
Succeeded byRob Anders
Personal details
BornStephen Joseph Harper
April 30, 1959 (1959-04-30) (age 64)
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Political partyLiberal (Before 1985)
Progressive Conservative (1985–1987)
Reform (1987–1997)
Alliance (2002–2003)
Conservative (2003–present)
Spouse(s)Laureen Teskey (1993–present)
ChildrenBenjamin
Rachel
Residence24 Sussex Drive
Alma materUniversity of Calgary
ReligionEvangelicalism
"When a government starts trying to cancel dissent or avoid dissent is frankly when it's rapidly losing its moral authority to govern."
― Harper on irony[1]

The Far-Right Honorable, yet often boring Stephen "Jesus" Harper was the 22nd Prime Minister and first Dictator of Canada. He is considered to be the least photogenic PM of all time, even more so than Dief the Chief.

Harper appeared once during DRAW Your Own Story 6, attempting to sell Canada to the States (this was before he sold the provinces out for 'Buy American' exemption). He also made a brief appearance in DYOS 9 during the North Pole fiasco, before running underground and leaving Captain2 to face the impending invasion by the Eastern Union.

The Beginning

Historians have puzzled over the curious pattern of how famous dictators are not born in the countries they lead: Napoleon was Corsican, Hitler was Austrian, Stalin was Georgian... Stephen Harper managed a double play, having been born in Toronto but ruling Alberta, and then from Alberta wresting control of the rest of Canada. But we'll get to that in a minute.

Stephen Harper was constructed in Toronto, Ontario, by Margaret (née Johnston) and Joseph Harris Harper, an accountant at Imperial Oil. In an effort to appear human like his younger "brothers", he attended Northlea Public School and later John G. Althouse Middle School and Richview Collegiate Institute, both in Central Etobicoke. He was a member of Richview Collegiate's team on the TV quiz show Reach for the Top, notable as the only player on his team who ever answered questions. (Allegations that teammates who spoke without consulting him first were booted could not be verified.)

He graduated in 1978. After dropping out of the University of Toronto after two months, Harper moved to Edmonton, and worked for Imperial Oil, a job that is in no way suspicious when combined with a bachelor's degree in Economics. He returned to the University of Calgary later to earn a master's degree in 1993, and maintains strong ties with the university, giving frequent lectures so that future Calgarians are properly indoctrinated in "Harpernomics". He is the most recent prime minister since Joe Clark without a law degree, an intentional omission so that whenever someone calls him out on breaking the Constitution he responds that he didn't know better.

Canada's New Government

"I hate journalists."
― Harper on leashing the press
"I hate federal accountability."
― Harper on the finance ministry facilitating insider trading before imposing a tax on income trusts
"I hate democracy."
― Harper on proroguing Parliament for the second year
"I hate the House of Commons."
― Harper on moving debate to YouTube[2]
"I hate citizens."
― Harper on Brenda Martin, Omar Khadr, Ronald Smith, etc.
"I hate Canada."
― Harper on the softwood lumber dispute
"62% of Canadians voted for us!"
― Liberals, NDP, Greens and Bloc Québecois on Harper's leadership
"I strongly believe that our educational system is suffering great losses due to the abundance of fat people in America. Americans should really eat less and have more time running in those hamster cages so we can put our systems back in order."
― Harper on education
"How do you explain the loss of three million dollars to private-public investitures, Harper?"
Jack Layton
"The stock market, [...] you know, the stock market will sort itself out; I suspect some good buying opportunities are opening up with some of the panic we've seen on the stock market in the last few days."
― Harper on economic collapse[3]
"Do- do you really want to be heard saying that?"
― Peter Mansbridge on the above
"Excuse me, I have to powder my nose."
― Harper on abortion

Press Gallery

See also

Footnotes