Cruise missile
Cruise Missile | |
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Type | Cruise missile |
Place of origin | Church of Scientology |
Service history | |
Used by | Church of Scientology, Dostya, Stylesrj, Haruhi Suzumiya |
Wars | Operation Poker Face?, DYOS 10.5, Battle of Chiron |
Production history | |
Unit cost | As much as a copy of Dianetics |
Variants | Travolta Missile |
Specifications | |
Mass | Heavy |
Length | Long |
Width | Thin |
Height | Tall |
Diameter | Very round |
Wingspan | Short |
Propellant | The love for Katie Holmes |
Flight ceiling | Higher than Oprah's couch |
Flight altitude | How high can he jump? |
Boost time | His movie career |
Maximum depth | This is Tom Cruise we're talking about here... |
Accuracy | Pinpoint |
Launch platform | Anything |
Cruise Missiles are weapons used by the Church of Scientology to convert/destroy things. They have Tom Cruise's face painted on them, which yells "I LOVE KATIE HOLMES!" These were a running gag introduced by the Styles brothers, whereby a bunch were fired at Stylesrj, Brackman, and Dostya.[1][2] A few missiles with fellow scientologist John Travolta's face (Travolta Missiles) were fired as well.[3] While funny at first, their overuse made them get really old really fast.
The Cruise Missile was later seen during the Battle of Chiron as a means of softening up Enclave positions on the planet for Stylesrj's infiltration.[4]
Reaction
When a person is unaware of the attack, a typical first response to the missile's approach is "Why does the air sound like it loves Katie Holmes?" seconds before impact with the target.